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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 16, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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>> stephen: hey, demy, thanks for being here tonight. >> thanks for having me. i'm so excited. >> stephen: hey, would you do something with me? we sing the national anthem before every show and i would love to do it with you tonight. >> yeah, that would be awesome. we're on in 30 seconds. (singing anthem very quickly) ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ >> tonight, stephen welcomes
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demi lovato and nick jonas! amy ryan! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now, it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you, jon! hey! (cheers and applause) you can feel it tonight! hey!
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(cheers and applause) welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much for being here! thank you so much for being here at "the late show." we're very excited to have you here this evening! you feeling good, jon? you feeling good tonight? >> i'm feeling real good, strong, you know. >> stephen: excellent. that's what we need. we need strength today. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: big news out to have the presidential election today, but i don't care because i just found out about hidleswift! we review all her instagraham
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pics! apparently, it all started when tom and taylor danced at the met gala, which i attended. and i got to take some credit because i'm the first one to notice that they're both attractive. and now, pictures have hit the tabloids of the couple cavorting by the ocean, canoodling and sharing a kiss. (audience reacts) so now we have hiddleswift. although, personally, i would've gone with "tay-tom swiddle-ston." i wish you two the best. but tom, don't you dare break her heart. and taylor, if he does -- i've got the breakup album ready. it's called "hiddle-school dropout," and the first single goes: ♪ out of luck ♪ my heart's on the griddle ♪ cuz i'm stuck ♪ stuck in the hiddle with you
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it goes on from there. it's a huge hit, and i get half the money. so i can't stop this. but i've got some words for you, tom hiddleston. i'm hurt. i thought we had something when you were here on my show. jimmy, show us together. look at that! it's crackling with chemistry! i thought we were #hiddlesteph! and now i turn on my internet to see you cavorting with little miss blank space? and i cannot shake it off, shake it off! okay, we can make this work. tom, taylor, we'll be a power trio: colbiddleswift. (laughter) it will be so great. look at the fun we could be having, going for a romantic stroll on the beach. but a word of warning i'm not a strong swimmer.
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please... (laughter) hey, on a different subject, here's a sentence i didn't think i'd ever say again: "marco rubio is in the news." (audience reacts) now, while he was running for president, rubio made it clear he couldn't stand being a senator. >> i'm missing votes because i am leaving the senate, i'm not running for re-election. a lot of the work we're doing in the senate isn't going to go anywhere. we're not going to fix america with senators and congressmen. >> stephen: in fact, as one friend of rubio's told the washington post in october -- >> he hates it. >> stephen: yes, the senate is a useless husk of bureaucratic sewage aaaand he might be running for re-election. (cheers and applause) wow. that was a quick turnaround. hey! "screw you, suckers! i'm outta here! kiss my cuban ass! i'm gonna be president!" whoo! (cheers and applause)
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"hey fellas. tough job market out there! whelp, back to the grindstone. they still have free coffee in here? (laughter) elsewhere in the senate, this afternoon john mccain said that president obama is directly responsible for the orlando attack. (audience reacts) hold on. hold on. now some are saying that mccain only said this because he's facing a tough re-election fight, while others are saying it's because he's a dick. i don't know. i'm not sure which of those it is. you decide. speaking of which: donald trump has doubled down -- on his call to ban all muslims from entering the u.s., and he's being criticized by fellow republicans. trump is fed up with the g.o.p.'s nagging. >> the republicans -- honestly folks, our leaders have to get
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tougher. this is too tough to do it alone, but you know what, i think i'm going to be forced to. i think i'm going to be forced to. our leaders have to get a lot tougher and be quiet. just please be quiet. don't talk. please be quiet. >> stephen: yeah. "quiet. zip. nyeh. shhhhhhhh. take a lock! i already won the nomination. just go to sleep. it'll be over soon. go toward the light." (applause) it's just a joke. everybody's fine. everybody's fine. of course, trump's not the only one who's had a bad week. led zeppelin is in court this week defending themselves against plagiarism charges. tough news for album-oriented rock fans because zeptember could become "compensatory
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damage-uary." they are accused of stealing the song "stairway to heaven" from a song called "taurus" by the band spirit. the lawsuit has been dragging on for nearly two years-- almost enough time to listen to "stairway to heaven." i've listened to both songs, and i'm not sure zep ripped them off, but "it makes me wonder. ooh, it really makes me wonder." judge for yourself. here's "stairway to heaven." (music playing) and here's "taurus" by spirit. (music playing)
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oh, they are screwed. (laughter) take the money. guys, take the money! take your money and hide it in panama! and now there's a second lawsuit being filed by the estate of 1930's gramophone star tuxedo jim broadway. (music) it's close! it's close! you guys would do a great job with that song. say hello to jon batiste and stay human everyone.
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♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ stair, stair, stair, stair, stairway to heaven ♪ as you know, that's my impression of diamond jim broadway. as you know, i'm a practicing catholic. but nowadays, because i'm a busy tv man, i rarely have time for my favorite catholic tradition: confession. so, i was wondering if i could examine my conscience with you, the audience. you won't tell anybody right? >> of course not! >> stephen: ce we try that one more time?
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because you really sounded hesitant about that. it's almost as if you forgot what your line was. (laughter) i'm not saying we should have rerehearsed that more. i'm just saying i'm not sure if i want to confess to you right now. you won't tell anybody, right? >> no, of course not! >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ♪ ( organ plays ) (laughter) (cheers and applause) now for the record: i'm not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back.
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(organ plays) ♪ forgive me audience. i tell my kids to never use swear words, even though they learned all of them from me. (laughter) (bleep) (laughter) audience, i wouldn't hurt a fly. but when it comes to mosquitoes i am one sick son of a bitch. (laughter) (applause) forgive me, audience -- i make fun of a lot of movies i would've happily starred in if they'd asked me. (laughter) "i'm gonna get you superman. because i am the batman." or the wonder woman, if you want me to be. (laughter) i thought the paleo diet meant eating anything out of a pail.
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(laughter) why aren't i losing weight? i took a much smaller bite in hn rehearsal. (laughter) i know that as a comedian i'm supposed to be happy that this election has been so crazy. but i'm actually kind of scared. (applause) i blame my farts on the dog (laughter) also my tax evasion.
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(laughter) when i hear about a mountain climbing accident, part of me always thinks, "well... yeah." (laughter) sometimes, when i'm blowdrying my hair, i pretend i'm in an '80's music video. ('80s music playing) (cheers and applause) my eyeballs are so dry. (laughter) one time i saw a lion attack a warthog in a nature
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documentary and i whispered "hakuna-matata, ( bleep )." (cheers and applause) right before a new iphone is about to come out, i abuse my current iphone to justify getting a new one. (laughter) i think this confessional frame is coming loose. (laughter) this is not my iphone. (applause) (laughter) when i go to real confession at my church, i disguise my voice to sound like gregory peck. laugh "forgive me father. i coveted my neighbor's ass. now for the love of god, do your duty." (applause)
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sometimes i'll use the kid's urinal, so i feel like a giant. (laughter) forgive me, audience. >> we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. if you feel like you need to be forgiven, tweet me your confession with the hashtag "late show confessions" and i'll say them on air. and i'll confess right up front, we won't pay you anything. we'll be right back with demi lovato and nick jonas. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪
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♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! hey! this month, my next guests are kicking off their 42-city tour called "future now." when will they be here? right now. please welcome demi lovato and nick jonas. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: nice to see ya! sorry about that. you went to high five me there, i didn't realize. i left you hanging and i left
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you hanging. >> it's fine. you offended us right away, but it's okay. >> stephen: please accept a bouquet of apologies and thanks for being here. >> thanks for having us. this is our first talk show together. >> stephen: really? yeah, we never sat down on a talk show and tawght talked -- together. >> stephen: but you've known each other a long time. i have a photo of you here at a tender age. >> oh, my! (cheers and applause) i think i was about 15. >> stephen: there it is. about 15 there. you're both 23 now. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: i have much respect for both of you because how long have you been doing this, since you were -- >> i booked my first gig when i was 8, and it was on barney. >> stephen: barney? barney and friends, big purple dinosaur. >> stephen: what was barney like? >> barney was actually very attractive inside the suit. i've always gone for older guys.
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even when i was younger, i thought the guy inside the suit was hot. >> stephen: because barney himself is 92 million years old or something like that. that was an older guy. so the guy was jacked in there? >> yeah, he had to be because the suit is, like, 100 pounds. >> stephen: wow! that change misview of that show. >> i know, right? >> stephen: and nick, how owled were you? >> my first job was here in new york city on broadway. >> stephen: what show? a christmas carol, annie get your gun, beauty and the beast and "les miz." i started when i was seven. >> stephen: and no child star meltdown unless you want to have one now. >> i had about three. >> stephen: nick, catch up! she's way ahead of you at this point. >> when are you going? hopefully not anytime soon. >> stephen: when did you first meet. >> demi was reading to be on the
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tv show my brother and i had called jonas. she didn't get it but booked the lead in camp rock which was a better project anyway which wasn't saying a whole lot, but it was better than our tv show, that's for sure, and that's how we became friends. we were in school shooting the film at the same time and also writing music about my brother that she was -- >> oh, my god, it was so funny because we were -- >> stephen: kind of. kind of. i was a little burned, a tender age of 15 and you write a song about it. >> stephen: who burned you, barney? >> no, god bless him, but his broth snore oh, his brother? >> right. i was writing my first album and writing a song called "nay get caught" and he was in the room, we were all writing together. and he said, maybe we have a happy ending, and i said, no, i think he gets caught and everybody sees he's a heartbreaker. and nick said, well, you know,
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why don't we just write the cho chorus? he was going back and forth. he's been stuck in the middle a long time. >> stephen: well, now you're on a 42-city tour. it's called "future now." you kind of look like you're from the hunger games. >> we do. >> stephen: what does "future now" mean? is it future is now. >> so i came up with it, and it was, like, we have such a strong past together, growing up together that we're looking forward to the future and on the tour it's now. so i was, like, the future is now, i think would be a great name. and he's like drop the "is." >> is' are completely overrated in my book. >> stephen: save a lot of
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money in ink. >> i try. >> stephen: 42 cities. do you have any idea where you are now? >> no. it's so cold in here, too. >> stephen: you're welcome. thank you. >> stephen: do you forget when you're on tour in the middle of 42 cities? >> i have forgotten what country i was in one time, legit, and i wasn't messed up. (laughter) can we curse on this show? >> stephen: sure, go ahead. i wasn't even (bleep) up. >> stephen: that's fine. we bleep it out. (applause) what language do y'all speak here? (laughter) where did it turn out to be? >> um -- uruguay. >> stephen: uruguay, okay. i was in south america and it was, like, a different country every day, i felt like. i woke up one day and i was, like, i don't know what country i'm in. >> stephen: wow. i notice something about some of
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the press photography you have done and some of the videos you've done. here's one. (laughter) here you are in the water. here you are in the shower. here you are in a bath. let's see -- >> lots of water. >> stephen: here you are in another bath. and here you are in another shower. (cheers and applause) do you not have time to bathe off camera? is that how busy you are? >> i think everyone loves singing in the shower, right? >> stephen: you sound good. yeah, acoustics, national anthem. >> stephen: you nailed it, 30 seconds. >> you nailed it? thank you very much. you're very kind. can i join the tour? >> we're going to have to think about that one. >> stephen: i'll take that as a yes! you guys, are you involved in politics at all? have you talked to any of the
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candidates? i saw you -- there is a picture of you here with donald trump. (audience reacts) is there a story behind this photo here? >> there is a pretty funny story. i was hosting miss u.s.a. maybe three or four years ago. >> stephen: back when he was a different person. >> and he was the owner of the miss universe organization. >> stephen: right. o i'm up there and the prompter gives you all the script for the show and was working the whole time until it comes time to introduce mr. trump and the prompter went out. i was all by myself with nothing, no script. so i said one of the most important people in the room, donald trump. and when he came up, he said, the most important person. (laughter) >> stephen: that's actually his campaign slogan. (laughter) thanks for being here. good to see both of you. good luck with the bathing. to"the 2016 honda civic tour:
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future now" kicks off june 29 in atlanta, and you can see demi and nick's boston pops fireworks spectacular on july 4, right here on cbs. stick around, later in the show we'll have a performance by nick jonas. we'll be right back. ♪ (cheers and applause) b i drive to the hoop. i drive a racecar. i have a driver. his name is carl. but that's not what we all have in common. we talked to our doctors about treatment with xarelto®. xarelto® is proven to treat and help reduce the risk of dvt and pe blood clots. xarelto® is also proven to reduce the risk of stroke in people with afib, not caused by a heart valve problem. for people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto® and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. you know, taking warfarin, i had to deal with that blood testing routine. i couldn't have a healthy salad whenever i wanted. i found another way. yeah, treatment with xarelto®. hey, safety first. like all blood thinners, don't stop taking xarelto® without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. while taking, you may bruise more easily and it may take longer for bleeding to stop.
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♪ yeah, we rocking right now. ♪ ♪ it's a party over here. ♪ hey! ♪ i'm in heaven! ♪ ♪ owww.
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! thank you, jon! (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody! quick survey for the audience: anybody here. write love letters? (cheering) love letters are important to me. when i first started dating my wife, she lived in new york and i lived in chicago and we were both young actors and we could not afford to talk on the phone and there was no internet at the time, so we wrote each other love letters.
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i wrote her almost every day. it's what almost made me a writer. i didn't like the act of writing, i think i was dyslexic, i don't know what it was. but i know i wouldn't be able to stay in touch with her unless i wrote her every day and that turned me into a writer. now we have boxes and boxes of love letters that my children will never get to read. (laughter) until i am old enough for it to be cute and not creepy. anyway, so i really like love letters. i found out that a love letter written by john f. kennedy went up for auction today. it shows j.f.k. at his most romantic, only the one small quibble is he was married to someone else at the time. (laughter) who are we to judge? the letter is to painter and socialite mary pinchot meyer, who was a kennedy family friend with benefits. (laughter) the contents of the letter have been released and here's what it
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said: "why don't you leave suburbia for once, come and see me, either here or at the cape next week or in boston. you say that it is good for me not to get what i want. after all of these years, you should give me a more loving answer than that. why don't you just say yes?" which is the presidential equivalent of "you up?" (laughter) (applause) we do these things not because they are easy but because i am hard. (laughter) i apologize. i apologize to everyone. the letter's expected to go for at least $30,000, and when i heard that, i did what any historian would do -- go up to my attic and see if i had any presidential love letters lying around. turns out, i did, and i'm going to share them with you. right now. here we go. all right. (applause)
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the first one's from our first president, george washington, to his future wife martha. he wrote, "my darling martha, i cannot tell a lie. you've got an butt like a virginia ham. i'm going use my wooden teeth to tear me off a piece of that." (laughter) kind of sweet. he was the father of our country. okay. here's one from abraham lincoln to his future wife, mary todd. "my dearest mary. i yearn for your gentle kiss, your sweet caress. i think that proves pretty definitively to future historians that i liked women." (laughter) (applause) there are rumors. there are stories. which is fine. okay. oh, here's a very rare letter from thomas jefferson to his lover and slave, sally hemmings. "my dearest sally, i am yours. i mean, technically you are mine. but who's keeping track." (laughter)
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i didn't make that up. i didn't make that up. >> jon: oh! >> stephen: it's a true story. it's history. this one's a little racy, from william howard taft to his lover mary beth whiteshaw. "my sweet and naughty girl: sitting here naked in my bath, i can't help but wish you were here with me, preferably with some kind of crowbar, because i'm stuck again. come quickly, my love." (laughter) he was a very large man. i was so excited to find this one from theodore roosevelt to his paramour. "my darling. the prudes and puritans will say it's wrong of me to love a moose, but your engorged dewlap inflames my--" let's just stop there. it gets pretty -- that is a good looking moose, though, i've got
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to say. this one's from william henry harrison, who died of pneumonia a mere 32 days into his term, to his mistress amanda. "my turtledove. words are woefully inadequate to express... and i'm dead!" (laughter) finally, from harry truman to his beloved wife bess, in that wonderfully blunt midwestern style: "dear bess. i know i said the buck stops here. but when i get home, we're going to buck all night long." (cheers and applause) true story. we'll be right back with amy ryan. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) right now at kohl's... take 25% off nike apparel, shoes and accessories for the whole family! everyone gets kohl's cash too!
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! (cheers and applause) my next guest was nominated for an oscar for "gone, baby, gone;" she married michael scott in "the office;" and now she stars in the action comedy "central intelligence." >> i need you to tell me everything and anything about your contact with agent stone. >> agent stone? bob, your friend bob. come on. stay with me. please. >> okay, i think there is a misunderstanding. no. no, no. he is not my friend. >> why did he list you as emergency contact in all his personnel forms. >> i barely know the guy. why was he sleeping on your couch. >> we had drinks last night. you went out drinking with your non-friend? >> okay, all right. you're not -- time out. i'm pressing the time out button. okay? you guys barged in my house. i pay my taxes, so you're not going to come in here and treat me like i'm the enemy.
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okay, listen to me, this man is not -- i repeat to you -- he is not -- not! my friend, zero allegiance. >> all right, mr. joiner, prove it. >> stephen: please welcome, amy ryan! (cheers and applause) ♪ it's lovely to meet you. thank you for being here. i'm an enormous fan. >> oh, right back at you! >> stephen: you're fantastic. you've got such an incredible range. nominated for oscar for "gone, baby, gone." you're so sweet in "the office." you play such a sweet, loveable, really funny character in "the office" and then so harsh and hateful in "birdman." congratulations on being you, i
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guess. there's no question there. >> wye, thank you. >> stephen: we all got to know you from "gone, baby, gone." that was your breakout role. did that change everything for you? >> oh, that was the absolute game-changer. i have been working since i was 18 and doing theater, so that invited me to higher-stakes tables with directors like clint eastwood and sidney and it was a big deal for me. >> stephen: what was the first big show you were cast in? >> right out of high school i went to high school performing arts or p.s. fame. >> stephen: oh! ♪ i'm gonna live forever ♪ i'm gonna learn how to fly >> butfy first was biloxi blues (applause) >> stephen: the original cast is here tonight (laughter) >> i went to 53 different cities
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in america. >> stephen: did you get to meet neil simon? >> i did. he was at my audition then, and he was very sweet to me. years later, i worked with him in a play of his called london suite in seattle and it was a big deal because i was coming to new york and moving to broadway and he wrote me a letter and fired me. >> stephen: that's very nice. he's dead now. (laughter) and i'm bitter! >> stephen: that's your character from birdman coming out right there. (laughter) so "gone, baby, gone," and you went from that right into "the office." >> i was such a huge fan of the office, both the british and the american version, and after "the office" -- i mean, after "gone, baby, gone," i'm, like, i'm only going to be offered drug-addicted mothers and down and out. so i was, like, i've got to be on a comedy and brush my hair. (laughter)
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my lovely agent jason called them up and let them know i was a fan, and then i married michael scott (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's nice. now you're in an action comedy central intelligence and you're a bad-ass in that. was that attractive to you? >> it's so great. in cinema, i have been married to many a formidable man -- did i say that right? >> stephen: sure. okay. but it's nice to be the bad-ass boss lady. >> stephen: yeah. do you fight the rock? >> i torture the rock. i tickle torture the rock. >> stephen: wow. and i torture the rock. >> stephen: not a lot of action stars are actually huge men, but he's an actual huge man. >> he's a tall drink of water. (laughter) you know, i'm not proud of this, but i'll tell you this, i felt like a dirty old lady on set because his t-shirt got wet, as was supposed to happen in the
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scene, and they had a quick change to do the second take. as they changed him on set, i pretended to be just looking around the room and -- (laughter) -- and maybe no one noticed. and then the second and third -- no, second take i did it again. the third take, i watched the room, and every man and woman was ogling. jaws dropped open. every woman gasped and every man went, oh... congratulations on being you and your movie. "central intelligence" opens tomorrow! we'll be back with a performance by nick jonas! (cheers and applause) regerts? sorry, i was eating a milky way. ♪
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♪ ♪ (band playing) every day, brian drives carefully to work. and every day brian drives carefully to work, there are rate suckers. he's been paying more for car insurance
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because of their bad driving for so long, he doesn't even notice them anymore. but one day brian gets snapshot from progressive. now brian has a rate based on his driving, not theirs. get snapshot and see just how much your good driving could save you.
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>> stephen: he just released his soaked solo album. "last year was complicated." now performing his single " ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> ♪ oh damn, oh damn, oh damn i'm so perplexed ♪ with just one breath, i'm locked in
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♪ oh damn, oh damn, oh damn i'm so perplexed ♪ on that, it's almost shocking i know, i know you know ♪ you're scared your heart, your mind, your ♪ soul, your body they won't, they won't, they ♪ won't be careful but i guess that ♪ you don't know me 'cause if i want you, ♪ and i want you, babe ain't going backwards, ♪ won't ask for space 'cause space is just ♪ a word made up by someone who's afraid ♪ to get too close, oh ♪ oh, so close, oh i want you close, ooh ♪ 'cause space is just a word made up ♪ by someone who's afraid to get close, oh ♪ oh, so close, oh
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i want you close, ooh ♪ oh, i want you close, and close ain't close enough, no ♪ oh man, oh man i am not really known ♪ for ever being speechless but now, but now somehow ♪ my words roll off my tongue right onto your lips, oh ♪ i'm keeping cool while you keep smiling ♪ saying all the things i'm thinking ♪ oh man, oh man i am like you so i want proof of ♪ what you're feeling 'cause if i want you, ♪ and i want you, babe ain't going backwards, ♪ won't ask for space 'cause space is just ♪ a word made up by someone who's afraid ♪ to get too close, oh ♪ oh, so close, oh
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i want you close, oh yeah baby ♪ 'cause space was just a word made up ♪ by someone who's afraid to get close, oh ♪ oh, so close, ooh i want you close, ooh ♪ oh, i want you close, and close ain't close enough, no ♪ 'cause if i want you, and i want you, babe ♪ ain't going backwards, won't ask for space ♪ 'cause space was just a word made up ♪ by someone who's afraid to get too ♪ close close, oh close baby ♪ oh, so close, oh i want you close, oh baby ♪ 'cause space was just a word made up ♪ by someone who's afraid
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to get close, oh ♪ oh, so close, oh i want you close, oh ♪ oh, i want you close, and close ain't close enough, no ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nick jonas everybody! we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be aaron paul, michael ian black, and a musical performance by silversun pickups. don't go away, james corden is up next with his guests, matt bomer and jena malone. goodnight! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> reggie: ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ i need some chicken tonight. ♪ if you don't eat chicken. ♪ you could eat something else. ♪ the late, late show. ♪. >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from lorenzo lama's s


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